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After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new “Nothing But Tears” shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.

A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby’s skin as “having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self.”

“We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long,” company CEO William C. Weldon said. “Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead.”

“It’s time our children got the wake-up call that’s been coming to them,” Weldon continued. “It’s time they cried their precious little eyes out.”

Reginald Peterson, 42, here called the cops twice to complain about the service he was getting from the sandwich artists at his local Subway. Apparently the sandwich artist forgot to put some kind of sauce on the two spicy italian sandwiches that Mr. Peterson had ordered. Peterson was hoping that the cops would respond to his calls and force the poor guy behind the counter to make the sandwichs up to his “specifications”. The cops showed, but instead of helping Peterson out of his sandwich jam they put him in a new jam by arresting him for making false 911 calls. Dude, the spicy italian is on the $5 footlong menu. Just be happy about the cheap sandwich and chill the fuck out.